May 19, 2004

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I love Bill like a brother*. But Bill is having trouble with my astute observation that American football is the stupidest sport in the world. We'll get to Wind Rider's "thoughts" too.

Bill says Football - the greatest game in the world. It's got everything - excitement, tons of violence, bone-crusing injuries and some strategy thrown in too. By this he means American football. This is the game where going forward 10 yards in 4 attempts is considered worthy of bashing amour-glad steroid-abused bodies against each other, or even better butting heads like caribou. In a great display of latent homosexuality everyone grabs each other for cuddles everytime the stripy guy says go. There's a few seconds of chaos while no-one's quite sure what the hell is going on. Then everything stops for an hour while the 42 referees confer. They all drop their hankerchiefs on the ground (called flags, I believe. Maybe these guys should check a flagpole for what a real flag looks like) and start calling penalties for obscure rule breaches. Only in America could a sport have a rule book bigger than the Bible (and I'm counting both Testaments). A game takes about as long as the last Ice Age, which is appropriate given many of the games are played in Artic conditions. And they are such wusses they need to have two teams, one for offense (that's Bill's speciality) and one for defence (Wind Rider). Plus the special teams like the kicker, who gets paid a fortune to kick the ball three times. And the coaches who all get to wear headphones so they can listen to music to pass the time away during games. Stupid. Damn. Game.

Bill goes on Cricket: Baseball for homos. I have no idea what they're doing out there but it all looks very gay and silly. That just makes Bill look very gay and silly. He should remember that India, Pakistan and Britain all play cricket and have nukes. Next is Soccer: The most boring sport in the world. 99% of Soccer games end with a final score of 1-0. Yawn. It cracks me up when the whacko soccer hooligans around the world beat the crap out of each other for such a boring game. Actually, he has a point there.

Wind Rider says Well, Bill's quite correct that anyone from a country that spawned a game that makes the refs wear lab coats and silly hats, while making air-sushi chopping motions to communicate the calls for something that only makes ESPN2 at 2am is waaaaaaaay the frick off base calling Football the stupidest game ever. We can partially forgive him for posting his comment because he then compliments me. WR alludes to the purest form of all football, Australia Rules. No body armour. Only one team of 18 men with 3 substitutes. Kicking, running, tackling, marking (jumping) all at the same time. A spectacular game of pure athleticism and 100% action. Umpires (not referees) are in pure white instead of looking like zebras wear those clothes so the crowd can see who has made a direct hit with their beer/paint gun/program.

Just to re-iterate: American football is daft.

* One of those brothers that were given up for adoption and you've never actually met. But a brother nonetheless. And Wind Rider's more like the cousin you got forced to visit that you protested you didn't want to see even though you secretly envied him because he was so cool.

posted by Simon on 05.19.04 at 10:34 AM in the


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you forgot to add these re: american "football":
1. the players wear rather silly tights that are actually two sizes smaller. or more.
2. oh and shoulder pads and helmets too. makes you wonder if it is really men who are playing the sport.
3. time out is called for anytime anyway they want. wtf??! is this truly a sport? or an exhibition event purely to entertain?

and i wonder which sport they copied the "football" from and then named it american football? is it necessary to add the word "american"? to differentiate it from which particular sport? like as if nobody will know it's an *american* invented game?

and if it's so mighty a sport, how come there seems to be a growing number of college boys playing "soccer" and plying their trade in the English Premiership? care to enlighten me on this, anyone?

oh and may i add a certain Brian McBride scored two goals on the weekend. not bad for a Yank.

oh and how come the U S of A tend to send a team of rugby players for international meets then? seeking world domination?

baseball: isn't it the canucks who came out with the sport? no? whatever, it reminds me of the childhood game called, erm, rounders.

mind, may i remind whomever who actually invented the english language. so ok, the language is a mish-mash of languages with a germanic base blah yadda yawn but still.

posted by: the letter b on 05.19.04 at 11:20 AM [permalink]

No doubt we should discuss this over a pitcher of 辛辣马丁尼. Extra dry.

posted by: Wind Rider on 05.19.04 at 11:58 AM [permalink]

WR - you're on.

posted by: Simon on 05.19.04 at 12:23 PM [permalink]

In Australia, the women wear pads, the men play REAL FOOTBALL (Aussie Rules of course).

Now if only the Swans could get their act together again....

posted by: Ozguru on 05.19.04 at 01:44 PM [permalink]

"B" must be approaching some sort of record for the most misinformation in a single blog comment. Football (American) is a collision sport, with running. Rugby is a running sport, with collisions. You simply cannot play competitive American football without protective equipment -- the injuries would be horrendous. Having played both sports at a competitive level there is simply no comparison between the degree of impact in football and rugby.

The skills required in soccer and football are completely different. Is B implying that the fact the US turns out among the best professional football, baseball, basketball and hockey players in the world, and still has a few lads left over to ship off to the so-called Premier League is a bad thing?

Yes, the US sends a rugby team to international competitions. The US sends a basketball team. Both suck. What's his point?

No, the Canadians did NOT invent baseball.

posted by: Conrad on 05.19.04 at 04:39 PM [permalink]

LOL, Simon. pretty good description of American football, I'll give you that. Loved the "stripey guys" line.

Unfortunately, Americans are superior to the rest of the world in EVERYTHING.

Yes, I am THE ugly American.

posted by: Bill on 05.19.04 at 08:36 PM [permalink]

There is only Rugby.

There is only Rugby.

(I thought repeating it might more thoroughly make my point. Which is irrefutable, by the way.)

posted by: Mike Jericho on 05.19.04 at 10:11 PM [permalink]

Conrad - if i do really know what's the exact difference between rugby and football, do you think i'd make that sort of comment which led you to quote, "approaching some sort of record for the most misinformation in a single blog comment"??

also, in no way did i imply that it's a bad thing to have americans playing in the premiership. on the contrary, it is refreshing to have folk from across the pond to make their mark (even the BBC commentators repeated/praised McBride's goals ad nauseum) in a sport that is still not gaining wide/fullest support from the public and sponsors. ok so i may be misinformed on this last bit there.

btw, i'm NOT a he.

posted by: the letter b on 05.19.04 at 10:31 PM [permalink]

Of course, the real American sport is Round Ball, as even in the poorest neighborhoods, there is a hoop available for the future Michael Jordan's to begin developin' the skills that will take them far. Fast movin', highly athletic, goin' both ways players, and the worst refs in any sport there is. Just ask Mark Cuban.

posted by: Tiger on 05.22.04 at 07:23 AM [permalink]

b stands for beauteous big-breasted bimbo?

Hey, now, don't get angry with me. I am admittedly "a dog," you know? I really deplore having my nose slapped with a newspaper.

posted by: Bill Bulldog on 05.22.04 at 07:27 AM [permalink]

I first saw Aussie Football late one night on ESPN back in the '80s. It both fascinated, and baffled me. It is a wonderful mayhem, as is rugby. They're some tough guys. But not as tough as Amercan football players.

American Football is a glorious sport. Yes, there's an offense and a defense. Once upon a time they were the same players, and even now there are a very few with the necessary skills to play on both sides of the ball. The positions have become so specialized that if an offensive lineman has to move one spot over, he doesn't know what to do. Moving the ball in 10 yard increments may not seem exciting, but if you understand the game, and what's going on then there's a lot to watch.

As for baseball...well, the only thing ever said by George Will that I can agree with is that "Only boring people are bored by baseball".

Baseball is proof of the existence of God.

And just for the record, an American college football team would destroy any Aussie football or rugby team. Until you've put on the pads, you have no idea...

posted by: Easy on 05.25.04 at 04:25 AM [permalink]

I'd be embarassed too if scrubby American kids that wouldn't dare think of playing football were coming over to my country and taking jobs.

posted by: ed on 05.26.04 at 03:08 AM [permalink]

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