In the next instalment of the Simon Guide series, here's few handy things not to say when your wife is in labour:

• "It can't be that painful."

• "What are you worried about, I just stubbed my toe!"

• "Do I have time to shave, shower and read the paper before we go to the hospital?"

• "I don't know what you're complaining about. Plenty of women have done this. Hell, even your mother has done this."

• "Can we stop at the drive-through McDonald's first?"

• "Can you just grab those bags and take them out to the car?"

• "Can you just grab that bucket and keep it under you in the car? I just had it washed."

• "Why don't you drive and I'll navigate?"

• "I thought you filled the car with petrol."

• "Are you sure it's mine?"

• "Whoa, that's an awfully small hole for a baby to get out of."

• "No thanks doc, I don't like the sight of blood."

• "That's gotta hurt."

• "That's disgusting."

• "Babe, you're hurting my hand."

• "My word, doc, that's an awfully big needle."

• "Doc, what are you doing with those sicssors?

• "Doc, wanna chuck in an extra stitch or two?"

• "Doc, we want to try and keep this as cheap as we can."

• "Honey, no you cannot have an epidural - they're too expensive."

• "Yes honey, the sidewalk is a perfectly safe place to give birth."

• "Honey, remember that boys weekend in Bangkok..."

What are the right things to say? Ha! There aren't any. The most important thing to remember is this: in times of such extreme pain, a lot of truth comes out. The other thing to remember is it is better to be the strong, silent type, because whatever you say won't help and she'll be crushing the life-force out of your hand anyway.

It's all worth it in the end. You get a brand new baby and a nice big bill. More on that next time...