In an announcement that shocked no-one except his bank manager, accidental media star Craig Stevens announced he will step aside from the 400 metres swimming in the Olympics. When asked for his reasons, Stevens told Channel Seven's Today Tonight, "I've been told to take the money or..." before transmission was suddenly cut-off. Later Stevens was heard talking to friends in his dressing room, saying "Next time I'm going to put vasoline on his f*cking starting blocks myself! I just got $130,000 for this."

Of course you knew it was going to happen. When asked to comment, Ian Thorpe sponsor Uncle Toby's was heard to utter "That's a relief. Now we can get back to exploiting that tall kid instead." In other news, a mysterious series of phone calls, stalkings, attempted assaults and kidnappings against one C. Stevens, 23, will no longer be investigated. Constable K. Ellogg said "There wasn't any evidence after that mysterious fire in that particular corner of the evidence room last week." Prime Minister John Howard said, "On behalf of all Australians I'm glad the SAS team sent to, ummm, help Mr. Stevens have done their job professionally. We need an immediate increase in the defence budget to make sure no other shmucks stop Thorpie."

When asked to comment, Ian Thorpe had only this to say: "Gee, I'd better win that gold medal now." He was then escorted from the press conference by a group of PR hacks and SAS men.