I set aside 45 minutes. I had every scrap of information. I had a working pen and paper. I had stocked up on patience and adrenalin. My weapons were ready; my armour was ready. Time to call the bank.

The automated greeting is an annoyingly cheerful female voice listing numerous options. A flurry of buttons and pound keys (her words, not mine) and I finally find the cul-de-sac I am looking for. I am told my call is important to the bank and that an operator will be with me in less than 4 minutes. Next I am treated to the refrains of a CD ends up as drink coasters in our house. Just as the mind-numbing monotony of the melody mutes my mind I am rudely jolted by a loud reminder of how important my call is, I have progressed in the queue and something about thermodynamics. I may have misheard. Again the deadening dull ditty returns before another reminder, this time telling me the bank knows how important my time is and how hard they are working to get to my call.

Finally the click out of hold and into the world of silence. That 6 second period while the bank's PABX decides whether you are worthy of speaking to an operator, or if you shall be returned to the relooping rotation of random menus. Relief as finally a disturbingly cheerful human answers. Information obtained with disarming ease, politeness and accuracy. The call ends with a "Can I help you with anything else?" My standard "This week's winning Lottery numbers" elicits a slightly flirty female giggle and a biting "I wouldn't be working here if I had them." Heh. Bet she hadn't heard that one in an hour.

Hanging up the phone, a melancholy passes over me. Where was the screaming? The frustration? The endless buck-passing? The relentless non-logic of a big banking behemoth? The "Call back during business hours"? The self-sustaining loop of menu choices?

What's happened to banks? I miss the old ones.